Nothing seems satisfying, the work nor the studies. The money? I may have more than what peers at my age own, I single handly earned every penny on my own, which is something I am seriously darn proud of. But, I live in the true tale that money cannot buy happiness. It is an answer to instant gratification. But it does not run in deep waters. I wanted to go on and chase my dreams, but I am reluctant to get out of my comfort zone. If I can clench my instant need for gratification, I think I would be someone seriously very different.

Perhaps I am so caught out with trying to live and breathe, I think I have lost all the skills for having an eye for the subjects. Everything in my eyes just looks so plainly and that thought of me thinking I am not able to do so, has truly amplified and buried the initiate talent in me. I gonna find it somewhere, sometime.

I remember, the task of treating everyone as though they are my VIPs, offering my ears and listening to them. Solving their never ending problems I think the job I am most suitable in doing will be understanding what is your needs and make it come true. My job is create opportunity and strings event, chance of occurring together, make your dreams come true. Any one would like to chip into my new company?

Life for me has taken a drastic change. Something which I would never have imaged. I started school, went to somewhere which I have never dream in my entire life and not what I have planned earlier on. I will not rant how life has been a bitch, in fact, it is perhaps the best of the worst scenarios which  happened to me.

I am still learning, how to deal with people, reading their spoken and unspoken words, studying body language, trying to fit into the social circle. I have to admit, of all the friend making sessions I have to go through, this is the greatest challenge I have faced. It bothers me. Until one day, she mentioned: why care so much? although we might not be the rar rar ones as those next door, if you want to be with us, just stay with us.’ She is completely unaware of the problems I have faced, perhaps I myself wasnt very clear of what was happening and what I wanted. I just have some unspoken feeling dying to erupt outside me. And later when I recalled, your words of wisdom just came out.

The problems was not totally solved, but I did feel a lot better after that. Thank you. You know you always give me your hand when I am in the dark. Just that you never knew. But it is all enough for me.

I am not having enough sleep due, as always bad time management. I am having painful left eye. The moment I open my eyes till the time that I close my eyes, my eyes are still there.

I hope when the time comes, I am able to see properly so as to aim and dive in a prefect manner into the dragon’s mouth.

A break from everything will be good. I need a closing episode so as to move on.

My hearts feel so weak after all the instant acceleration and with the sudden chilling. Everyday, I got to experience it a couple of times.

Feeling very annoyed and annoyed is very annoyed.

Sometimes things just doesn’t have to make sense anymore.

What keeps our together? Make it is the blood, maybe we just need one another for convenience.

Go away.

I… want to see you. Maybe from afar. Maybe coincidentally on the streets, perhaps a chanced upon or a plan one. But rule of the thumb is I can to see, see until heart raced that kind, see until contemplating whether to show face a not, see until feels like I want to varnish into the mid air. See until, I can feel tears in my…. eyes.

The combination of red and yellow don’t seems to be that fantastic either. It just looks like a crime scene and the unfinished work, with paint from fallen bucket accidentially splash across the wall. I don’t feel good either when I see people have to work on holiday or any other day due to us. Neither I feel good when I see people throwing the weird-but-try-to-be-understanding-look whenever they pass by our vicinity.

Lastly, I don’t feel good having to jump around, feeling bouncy whenever there is people walking pass us – having to register the faces of whether they are friends or foes – having to hold a heavy and fast beating heart when I am walking towards the door for fear of seeing something I don’t wish to see, gripping with my weak heart to brace myself for that. I am also afraid of closing my eyes in the night, the last few moments before I sleep for horror of waking up seeing bad things or hearing bad news, the ringing of the phone with the screen showing ‘O’ or ‘P’ do not help either, the continuous howling of the phone will just make my heart traced, the ultimate moment comes when she picks up the call, having to hear the swearing words and praying that we have not provoked them any further. Sorry, there hasn’t been any full stops in between. You must be feeling panting after reading. This is what I have been feeling for the past few days. The continuous chain of events made me cannot breathe nor sleep in peace.

And it is only day 6, not day 60.

While we are on our way back to home, we received a call from him, informing us that the-unusual-thing-that-happened-but-to-use-it-is-like-so-common. Forwarding what happened, come back and look at the mess. Much better than I had thought, given previously I have braced myself to have mental preparation. Perhaps it is during the day, they decided not to be too reckless. Maybe the so-called artistes got confused as they medium of working their art pieces was much restricted. But they wouldn’t dare to hand in a blank piece of art, for fear of incurring the wrath of their teachers, so they left some traces of mark to let people know they are here. Guess they must been feeling upset of having to work on someone master piece.

So the usual SOP took place. Call for visitors to come and photograph the devastation and of course had to do some cleaning up. Not as bad as the previous time. But nonetheless, the hands got dirtied.

He seems indifferent too. The most helpful thing and in my opinion, the moment that he felt anxious when he cannot open the door (for god knows what reasons) and he sprung into action to get rid of his name. After that he retreated for newspaper reading, dinner and eating what I had brought. He stills has the cheeks to ask what is nice. I guessed she did not state the ground rules properly, you NOT only have to get rid of the wordings, the unslightly drawings (which are not originally there) shall also be the properties that you have to be in charge of. You need to put it back/ restore to the original state.

Sometimes I wonder why…

You will not want to live with my life. I lead an unfortunate and extraordinary life. I had no school… I mean which kid in Singapore is deprived of having a school? I know I am stupid, not mentally disabled, just that I did not do well.
And which kid in Singapore has to look front, back, left and right when he/she is going home and going out? One for fear of being tailed, two for fear of feeling foreign object stuck to my body, or misplacement of any of my body parts?

I led an honest life. I mean I try to. I keep my hands and feet clean. Though I am not upright all the time, I tried to be helpful as possible. I am not rude nor demanding, I understand that we do not owe each other a living and I do not believe that it is anyone’s liberty to build one’s happiness on the other person’s misery. I comprehend that I need not scream, shout, throw my high pitch voice at you in order to showcase my authority and superiority. Though I am not a millionaire, I try not to be unreasonably cheapskate as I know that everyone has their own or/and other’s mouths to feel. I rather walk away when I feel that the price is not right, rather than haggling by either acting cute/ being irritating/ doing-the-calculation-in-your-face-teaching-you-how-to-do-business/ being persistent for hope that you will give in/ pleading loyalty to you (if you are counted as loyal, I guess they are many people who had already died for us. Can you see the difference of action vs empty-talk?)

Of course other than the nasty people, I do meet the nice people. So I make it a point to learn from them and pass it on. The smile on the face will always work. And I will also meet those who are patient and helpful, so that is something I can pick up from them as well.

It hates to be me – at the outside seems to be glamour. In the inside – bad life, rotten and goal-less.

It just makes me think back on the day zero. The WTF feeling when I saw the whole thing.

I hope I am not letting my guard down. They called again and she picked up the phone. She decided to come clean with them and not play the mouse and cat game. Of course, the whole event will be nasty and we will see what will come after that.

Today I took a long stroll back home, I was telling myself, I enjoy the whole process. Unlike my peers who are worried about studies, I am not. My mind is empty, just enjoying the serene and peaceful mood. My heart is clear. I am actually sort of contented of the way things are now. But of course, not that part when I fear of having unwelcomed visitors. Deep in my heart, I am grumpy. I am doing the same thing over and over again. I am not improving and I am not getting stronger, which is unlike my peers. I know I am lacking behind, yet I do not have the drive and courage to overcome it. I become so lean back and complacent. Sometimes I just wonder, should I just let my life wonder off like this? Or should I fight for it? I do not know what I want in my life, what my interests are….

I became timid, I am so scare of noises or any movement which suggest people at night. I am paranoid and will only feel safe when I am surrounded by the four walls.

Another long night ahead, gripped with fear. Save me . . .

I did some experiment with the video camera yesterday, did a whole night filming. Was quite excited playing with the video camera. Was busy adjusting the position of the video camera, mount in and out of the tripod, adjusting the light, on-ing and off-ing it, trying to see which is better. Exciting, but tiring.

I love the early morning!